…the chaos within-

This one’s a late upload-

…it’s been months since the man and I were able to spend time alone together. To talk sensibly about our lives, finances, marriage and the goals we are trying to accomplish. So far, he’s been avoiding the issues and his part in this journey. He’s been very irresponsible, selfish and he’s been very arrogant when DQ and AD is around. 

I feel like he’s trying to show off and prove something to them that I am always pissed off or jealous that he’s always hanging around them. Truth is I am actually not pissed off. However, I am disappointed that he would do such childish act, just like the time as I walk through the doors from an hours drive home from work. I look forward to his kisses and hugs and the little musings how his day went. Instead, the minute I walk in through the door, for as long as DQ and AD are around he would yell and act pissed off and would scurry to DQ’s room and hide there. However, when they’re nowhere in sight, he is loving, he gives me a hug and kisses and speaks to me in a normal tone, then when he realized they are around, he starts acting pissed off or irritated at me (like switching a light).

What have I done? What did I do? 

This drama is exhausting and draining me out emotionally and mentally. 

 © Katz 2016

and the cycle begins again…

Depression in itself is a tough battle to overcome. We all go thru it in some points of our lives, though in far different ranges.

My husband, the father of my kids goes thru spells of depression & combat PTSD along with it. I am helpless and weak as the cycle of life begins again.

Where do I fit in? It’s a tough question to answer. I cannot imagine what he goes thru and I am afraid to even delve in the horrors of his ghosts past. It pains me to see him go thru this cycle over and over again. The distance and social withdrawal that comes with this cycle is what pains me the most. It creates tension in our home and it scares me endlessly. It scares me,  because his ability to think clear and make reasonable judgement is clouded by his fears and anger, hence he picks up project people along the way. To feel better of himself, I think. (He still couldn’t figure that one out either.)
Though painful as it may seem, at the end of the day, I assure him all is well and let him know I am by his side, just reach out when you want me to be a part of it, or need me to pull him out in the abyss of his hell.
In truth, I am dying inside. For our childrens sake, I have to be strong and be the pillar for him when he needs to pull himself back to reality. I have to be the light that shines his path back to our home. I have to be the one that makes sense out of all the chaos of his thoughts. I have to be the one who can make his stone cold heart beat back to life-

I won’t give up and I will never leave. I will be here beside you and journey this battle with you together.

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!

© Katz Lukenovich 2016